The Awkward and Utterly Mad Confessions of Amelia Jones
by hayley.moses
Summary: First, the entirety of my school sees me in my bra and underwear. Then, my grandma gives me this stupid diary. And finally the most handsome boy I have ever seen comes and ruins everything.


**March: Franny must die**

**saturday, march 24th **

**noon **

Franny must die.

**five minutes later **

As of late, my grandmother decided to give me an early birthday present. A bright blue, sort of shiny diary. I hate it. But, I've started writing in it so, I may as well keep going.

**three minutes later **

Now, Franny must die. A slow and horrible, preferably very painful, death. For, she has embarrassed me. In front of everyone at our school.

**one-thirty pm **

We-Franny, Alice, and I go to an all-girls' school. Some wealthy British family went and bought our school then, named a woman as headmistress, and promptly made a brand new school for every boy in the school district. I guess it's sort of nice not to have to try to look nice for boys all the time but, from another angle it's sort of weird and I think I might wind up being a lesbian like our revered headmistress "Mrs Crack".

**several minutes later **

We call her "Mrs Crack" because rumour has it that her husband is a wealthy drug-lord that makes very nice cocaine. Naturally, her husband (who visits the school often) has earned the nickname "Mr Crack". We're not exactly too sure where the nicknames spawned from, some say that it's from two girls who were offered cocaine from Mr Crack's daughter Lucy (Crack) and others say that it came from the boys' school where Mr Crack is headmaster. To make the entire ordeal worse, we have just started high school. They also, switched from grades to forms. Which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. No matter how many times it has been explained to me I cannot understand it.

**something like one-fifty **

I just remembered everything. Someone please, please, _please _kill me.

**thirty seconds later**

The entirety of my school has seen me in my bra and underwear.

**two pm **

Some of the boys from the boys' school were there as well.

I hate everyone and everything right now. I even snapped at my cat, Francis, who was just trying to show me some affection, rubbing his head on my foot when I was laying on my bed.

**half an hour later**

In other news, everyone is out. They went out bowling. Of course, I was invited to go with them but, seeing as I can never leave my room ever again I declined the invitation, lying and saying that I had tons of French homework to do.

**about three pm**

I'm not taking French.

**3:02 pm**

Is it sad that they don't know what my schedule is?

Probably. Besides, aren't parents supposed to know these things?

**three minutes later**

I mean, Alice's parents know damn near everything about every aspect of her life. Moreover, her family is normal. Nice house, clean yard, green grass, a small dog, no wild parties every weekend (they are fun though). Her family is the complete opposite of mine. Well, truth be told, her parents are from England s-oH MY GOOD GOD WHAT IS _THAT_

**three thirty**

THERE IS A SPIDER

THERE IS A FUCKING _SPIDER_ IN MY BEDROOM

IT IS MARCH SPRING HASN'T EVEN BEGUN YET THINGS LIKE THAT ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO EXIST I AM SCREAMING IT IS BLOCKING THE DOORWAY WHAT DO I DO I AM STUCK IN MY ROOM WITHOUT MY MOBILE WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO I CANNOT STOP SCREAMING

**thirty seconds later **

IT HAS RUN UNDER MY BED I REPEAT IT HAS RUN UNDER MY BED THAT FUCKER WAS _THE SIZE OF MY HAND _WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO

**three forty **

I have left the safety from atop my dresser, wielding only a hairbrush to grab my mobile and call Alice. It was pretty easy actually, I got the mobile, saw the spider, screamed like a little bitch, threw my hairbrush at it, I think it got squished, ran down stairs, sat on top of the kitchen table and called Alice.

**three forty-five**

Called Alice.

She said, "Hello? Kirkland residence."

And I said, "Alice it's me, I need immediate assistance come help."

So, she said,"If you think I'll come help you babysit again, you are very very wrong."

Then I said,"No no no, there is a spider in my bedroom and I want you to kill it."

I can hear an audible sigh on the other line, and Alice yelling to her Mom that she's going over to my place for little while. After that she said, "Okay give me a bit and I'll be there."

A bit? What the hell. What does that mean? What bit? How did tools get into this? Ugh. English people confuse me.

**four fifteen**

Alice arrived. She brought a broom; a book; some shoes; a can of bug spray; and a bag of m&m's. Her official bug killing kit.

**four twenty **(_heh heh heh 420 blaze it_)

We went up to my room wearing Wellies. I had the broom and Alice had the bug spray and book. When we got up to my room, there was the hairbrush and next to it the spider. I screamed, Alice screamed and it started to move. Now, it was missing several legs but definitely moving towards us. Alice threw the can at it, which missed, then the book, which also missed. I was left holding the broom while it continued to move towards us. The louder Alice screamed-and clung to me, the more compelled I was to swing to broom down and hit the stupid little fucker repeatedly.

Which I did.

**three minutes later**

It's dead. The spider is confirmed dead by Alice Kirkland, P.I.-bug division.

We're leaning up against my dresser, eating m&m's and laughing. I had to explain to her what happened before the phone call, and why my face was so red when she came in. I told her all about the bra and panties incident to which she was absent for (she had the painter's in real badly that day). Alice laughed for around three-quarters of the story which goes a little like this,

_Enter. Amelia Jones, backstage putting on her school uniform after a quick play done by the prefects and herself for the daily assembly before class starts. Enter, Franny Bonnefoy. First, talking to Amelia. Then, walking back too far and pulling the stage curtain down in the performing arts centre (PAC). See, Amelia standing in front of an audience, skirt balanced on her right hip with the zipper undone, holding star-shaped burrettes in her mouth, and just about to button up her clean, white dress shirt. Hear, burrettes falling to ground as her mouth falls open when she realizes what's happened, the headmistress yelling for everyone to turn their heads and look away, and Franny Bonnefoy furiously swearing in French as she pushes Amelia back towards the green room and out of sight before running back and grabbing the rest of Amelia's things. Witness, Franny Bonnefoy and Amelia Jones in Mrs Crack's office receiving a very long lecture about public decency and both being awarded bad conduct marks. _

As embarrassing as it is, it would also make a very funny story when you think about it. Alice seems to notice my pain and horror at telling the story and throws on a loud CD. Then, for the next hour we sit around, gossip, eat some cheesy snacks, talk about boys, and read _Seventeen _magazine.

**five thirty**

"Have you ever kissed anyone?"

"Hm."

"Alice, Alice, _Allie _stop chewing on your hair and listen to me."

Alice looks up and stares at me, _still _chewing on her hair like a llama or something.

"Amee what do you want?"

I clear my throat and start again, "Have you ever kissed anyone?"

She scowls for a moment, then asks, "Why do you need to know?"

"Well, in here it has a bunch of tips and tricks for kissing see, and I was just wondering-"

She interrupts me by hm-ing. "Do brothers count?"

"Mm, depends."

"How does it depend?"

I look up at the ceiling and sigh,"Alice, Alice, Alice, it depends age-wise. But, really... Brothers don't count."

"Oh. Then no, not really. My aunties kiss me but, wouldn't that be a little on the lezzie side?"

"I don't know," I stop and stare at her. "Unless you're a lesbian yourself."

"Well, Amee, I'm not. Are you?"

"No, Allie, I'm not."

"Good."

"Good."

**some time later **

Alice left. Got a call from Mom. She said that they left the bowling alley to go to granddad's and that it was up to me to fetch my own supper. Also got my fifth apology text message from Franny.

_M'mie please accept my sincerest apology, I am coming 'round tomorrow with snacks -Franny_

Hmph. I should pretend to be out.

**six forty-five **

She would know it was a lie though.

**two seconds later**

May as well forgive her. It was an accident after all.

**my room**

**watching **_**Titanic**_

**eight thirty pm **

Mmm young Leonardo DiCaprio yumyum

**nine thirty**

Why hasn't the boat sunk yet.

**two minutes later **

This movie is longer than the time it took the real boat to sink.

Figures.

**draw me like one of your french girls**

**nine forty-five**

Eh heh heh so that's where it comes from. Thank you lovely Rose for that meme.

**three minutes later**

I wonder how my friend Rosie is doing. Well... She used to be a friend. Now she's just someone I know well.

**ten o'clock**

Who are my friends anyways.

**twelve minutes later**

So, this is my list of friends, including my friends from twitter.

Close friends (in order of best friend-ness)

Alice, Franny, Iggy, Zekey, Canadia, Iwo, Sam, Marina

Casual friends (none)

Acquaintances (all of my old 'friends')

**six minutes later**

Hm. At least these friends actually treat me nicely.

**midnight**

Family just got in.

How they can stay at granddad's for so long is beyond me. Give me twenty minutes and I want to kill myself. There's never anything to do there. No cell phone service. No internet. Nothing. Alice and Franny came with once and in the end we said Alice was sick and that Franny and I needed to assist her in going home.

**thirty seconds later**

Dad crashed in to my room with Madeline (my three-year old younger sister). Maddie ran up to me and shouted "Hairy sister!" in my ear. For some reason, Maddie thinks that having long hair makes someone hairy.

"Me hairy! Me hairy like hairy sister!" She shakes her head and attacks my face with pigtails.

"Yes, yes Maddie, you have long hair like your older sister."

"Hairy sister cuddle!"

"I... uhm, okay."

**sunday, march 25th**

**dawn **(oh alright it's only eight)

Woke up with a very sticky sister in my bed.

**eight thirty am**

A very wet and sticky sister.

Maddie peed in her sleep.

"Maddie, Maddie, _Madeline _wake up! You wet the bed again!"

"Shut up tosser sister."

"Madeline Matthew Jones."

She sticks her tongue out at me and rolls over.

**three minutes later**

Who in hell taught her the word tosser? She's only three. Maybe Alice had been swearing and Maddie picked it up. Ugh. I coulda sworn I told Alice not to swear when Maddie's around.

**nine am**

Finally got Maddie out of my bed and into a bath, I can hear her down the hall splashing about. I shake my head and finish replacing the soiled sheets with new ones.

**two seconds later **

Someone's banging on the front door.

**looking out the front window**

It's Franny. I want to just walk away and ignore her but she presses her face against the glass instead scaring the bejesus out of me. She mouths 'let me in friend'. So, I do. Just to be polite.

**my room**

**nine thirty am**

"So," Franny starts, in between bites of cheesy snacks. "I found the perfect man for you."

"What?" I look up from the book I was reading to stare at her. "When the hell did I ever say I was looking for a boyfriend?"

"Oh, you know, when you were flirting with the waiter at the pizza place and got his phone number?"

"I thought I told you and Alice that was an accident! I was just being nice..."

Franny waves away my comment and says,"Anyway. His name is Arthur."

"And?"

"And, he's just started at the boys' school that Mr Crack is the headmaster of."

"All right."

"_And, he has a brother._" Franny nods when I raise an eyebrow at her. "One for you, and one for Alice."

I frown and say, "But wait, I thought Alice was chatting up some guy her parents know in England."

"Not anymore," Franny munches for a few minutes before starting again. "I forget what happened exactly. I think he said something that she didn't like and they went their separate ways."

"Oh. Well then."

**ten minutes later **

Neither of us have said anything for the past ten minutes. It's disturbingly quiet maybe I sho-

"SIE SIND DAS ESSEN UND WIR SIND DIE JAEGER!"

I scramble up and grab my phone.

"Alice what do you want? I'm busy."

"Help! Help! My cousin's here! It's creeping me out, and he's _going to live with us!_"

"Oh. My. God. Okay okay we're coming."

"Amee, what do you mean 'we'?"

"Franny's here, now hang up so we can go!"

"Bye, HURRY!"

"Bye bye bye."

I look over at Franny. She stares at me. I think my face must've said something because she nods and says, "Let's go."

**walking to Alice's **

**nine fifty-five am**

Said a quick good-bye to Maddie, Mom and Dad. We ran all the way down my street until my chest started to hurt from my breasts bouncing up and down. Stupid goddamn huge ass breasts ruining everything.

**knocking on Alice's door **

**10:05 am**

Alice, Franny and I got sort of lucky. Mostly because we all live a ten minutes walk away from each other. I knocked once and we waited, then Franny knocked again when no one answered.

After a coupla seconds a boy about our age looked through the window at us. Franny raised her eyebrows, looked at me and then several dreadful words left her mouth,

"Did I mention Arthur is Alice's cousin?"

And suddenly, the most handsome boy I have ever seen answered the door.

Heaven help me god.


End file.
